SLEEPLESS IN BOOMERVILLE

Normally, I am a pretty upbeat kind of person, happy, not prone to mood swings. I smile a lot. I like to look on the bright side and I believe there are many wonderful perks that we enjoy as we age. One day I will make a long list of those perks and share it with you. Just not now. Right now I can’t think of a single perk. At this moment in time, I am in a very bad mood. I am tired. I am very, very tired. So no perky stories of perks today my friends. Today we concentrate on the pitfalls of aging. One pitfall in particular. The one that pales the others into minor inconveniences. I’ll just cut to the chase. Zero in on the big one. The biggest pitfall of aging........ SLEEPLESSNESS. Lack of sleep. Inability to sleep. No sleep. Sleep deprivation. Call it what you will. A rose by any other name......blah, blah. Sleeplessness is the worst, sickest and cruelest joke being played on the aging population. On top, number one, numero uno, the ultimate, the king. So you will forgive me if I am less than perky, upbeat and light-hearted. It’s nearly four in the morning and I am wide awake.

I miss the luxurious sleep of my youth. That delicious feeling of hopping into bed, closing my eyes and waking up seven hours later refreshed, alive, vibrant and ready to start a brand new day. I now realize that sleep should be savoured, not squandered. I never savoured it. I squandered it shamelessly. I slept all night without relishing it or basking in it. I didn’t appreciate it or honour it. It should be honoured. There should be shrines. I didn’t know it was a gift that could and would, one day, be taken away. Night after glorious night I slept. I napped in the afternoon, drank copious cups of coffee and still slept the sleep of the innocent. It didn’t matter, I slept. How was I to know, in my misguided youth, that it would be so horribly snatched away from me? Why did I not know? Sleep! Where did it go?

What a shock when first the signs of sleeplessness appear. The first inkling that sleep won’t come. Sleep doesn’t understand that you are in your bed, tired, just waiting for it to come to you. It avoids you like the plague. It teases you. It comes to you for brief moments only to snatch itself away and leave you frustrated and exhausted.

One moment you are almost asleep. You can reach out and touch sleep as it begins to embrace you. One more second and you will be asleep. Boom, without warning it’s gone. Just like that, (insert here snapping of fingers) gone. Instead of being in the land of nod you are in the land of tortures. Tossing and turning in your bed, tired, restless, craving sleep like a smoker craving nicotine. Your eyes pop open. You stare at the dark ceiling and fume. You fluff up the pillows and turn on your side thinking sleep will come. Nothing. You give it a few more minutes, still nothing. Reposition the pillows. Flip over to your other side, your back, your front, your side, your back, your front.

Your body betrays you. After hours of sleeplessness it starts its twitch of the night. Your legs begin to itch and crawl. You flop around. Flop, flip, flop, flip. You get up and walk around the house a little before giving sleep another shot. Twenty minutes should be enough. Back to bed you go, ever hopeful, ever the optimist. Relax, take a deep breath, just let yourself go, let your body go with the flow, let yourself fall into the abyss of sleep. Boing. Those are your eyes opening again. It’s almost audible. Boing. Like the music from Law and Order. Boing. Boing. You can’t get comfortable. Your mind wanders. How many jelly beans have I eaten in my life. Where did that girl I used to know in grade three, the one with the red hair, end up. Your stupid, random thoughts make no sense. You try to turn them off. You think about turning your thoughts off. You think about your thoughts. You think, think, think. First your body and now your mind betrays you.

Your legs are twitching so badly you can’t hold them still. You don’t want to wake your peacefully sleeping spouse. That just wouldn’t be fair now, would it? You stare at the closed eyes, the expression of complete relaxation on his face and you want to tear his heart out. It’s two hours since you first hit the sheets and you feel like you’ve been injecting straight caffeine.

Nothing else to do but get up, again. You try reading but it doesn’t help. Your jumpy legs are still at it, you can’t concentrate because you are exhausted. Your tired eyes won’t focus, the words jump around on the page. You put the book down. How about the computer?

Solitaire. Of course, solitaire. That always helps. You play game after boring game after boring game. Good lord, save me. This game is so tedious. Scrabble. Scrabble against the computer. You win a few games so up the ante to the next skill level. You are learning some really neat words playing tonight. It’s three-thirty in the morning and no one cares that you are learning neat new words. You don’t even care. You won’t remember them anyway come tomorrow. This tiredness is draining.

You were in bed at eleven, it’s now four-twelve a.m. Surely sleep will come. Surely sleep will come as soon as you drag yourself back to bed. You schlepp back to the bedroom. Glare at your still sleeping spouse and listen to the satisfied sounds of a sleeper. Grrrr. Quietly you slip back into bed. Ahhhh, yes. That feels better. Don’t think. Imagine. Imagine clouds. Imagine floating on those clouds, softly and gently. Floating, ever so slowly. Don’t let anything else enter your brain. Let yourself fall asleep quickly. Ever so quickly before your legs know where they are. Ahhhh. Bliss. You can feel it coming toward you. The sleep that has been so elusive. It’s coming for you. Miracle of miracles. It stays. It enfolds you and allows you to stay on your softly floating clouds. You sleep. Finally, you sleep. Beautiful, blissful, much needed sleep.