I have been particularly interested, these days, in what makes a happy and lasting marriage with happy being the operative word. As we all know, a lasting marriage doesn’t necessarily mean a happy marriage. I was interested in couples who had weathered forty or more years of living with the same person, day in, day out, every single day and were still happy. Couples who had managed through the ups and downs that day to day living would entail and are still happy in their marriage and with each other. In forty years there are births, deaths, illnesses, family crises, fears, angers, tears, misunderstandings, disappointments, arguments, changes, all of which can get in the way of happiness.
Not personally being able to chalk up forty years of marriage I wondered if there was a formula I had missed, some secret that had been kept from me or a magic that escaped me. I wanted to find out what it was that kept couples together for forty or more years who are still smiling. I took it upon myself to question, grill and plague my friends who were married in and around the year 1968 for answers to my question, “To what do you attribute your longevity as a couple?” It’s amazing that such a little question can produce such diverse answers. The responses I got were awesome, sometimes funny, sometimes poignant but always truthful and heartfelt.
One couple who will celebrate forty-two years of marriage in a few months dance. They dance everywhere. They dance in their kitchen, they dance on their lawn, they dance anywhere, where ever there happens to be music playing. Of course, dancing didn’t keep them happily married for forty-two years. Dancing is a symptom of their happiness, a by-product, so to speak. So what was it for them? When I asked the wife the secret to their long and happy marriage her answer was, “When I look at him, my heart still flutters.” Nice! When I asked the husband his response was, “We laugh. We laugh every day.” That too is nice! So with a fluttering heart, a daily dose of laughter and dancing through the years of child rearing, births, deaths, illnesses, this couple has survived.
“I think we survived because of ignorance.” Said one friend of mine who has been married close to forty-five years to her high-school sweetheart. “Ignorance? I don’t quite understand.” I responded. “Oh, it’s simple. I ignored him and he ignored me.” Naturally, that was a joke. I had been talking to couples who were actually happily married and ignoring each other for forty-five years wouldn’t have produced a happy marriage. Her answer was commitment, shared goals, a willingness to support the other person through good and bad, not be judgmental and an underlying feeling of love. Aaaah. I like that one too.
I cornered one couple at a social function and they were in total agreement about their long and happy marriage. They were almost echoing each other’s words. The husband was adamant that no one should rule the roost. “In a loving marriage,” he said “you celebrate your partner’s successes.” Hmmm - I like that a lot!! “You show them respect.” he continued as his wife nodded her head in agreement and she added, “Respect, of course, and you support what they do. Respect their opinions and ideas. You don’t have to agree on everything but you have to listen to the other’s point of view.” They both then looked at each other and laughed. “We also have fun. We have a lot of fun together. We are like best friends who happen to be in love.” Another couple plotted and planned with nothing left to chance. “We wanted the same things out of our marriage. We discussed at length and planned when to get married, when to have our kids, where we wanted to live.” For this couple, everything was carefully researched and nothing was hit or miss. They planned vacations a year in advance and would never dream of making a purchase without first consulting every source available to them.
How does that stack up against another couple I know who planned nothing? Who allowed life to take them where it would, took spur of the moment vacations, joined in at the last moment and thought nothing of it? “I couldn’t bear the thought of knowing every little detail of my life. If I had to play bridge with the Joneses every Friday night at 8:00, I would go crazy.” “It’s true”, the husband confirmed, “Spontaneous works for us. That much planning would give me the creeps. ”
I guess the secret to a long and happy marriage is that there is no magic formula that had escaped me. The friends who I had spoken to had just plain gotten it right.
It probably doesn’t matter what it is that keeps a couple together. If they stay together because they are truly happy, are willing to suffer through the bad times because the good times far outweigh the bad, respect and honour their partner and have fun in the process it has to be good. Love is important. But it’s not the only ingredient. Some people who are in love suffer daily because love isn’t enough. My guess, from listening to these forty plus year married couples is that the most important factor is respect. Dancing in your kitchen won’t be quite as enjoyable or romantic if you don’t respect the person with whom you are dancing. Likewise, taking spur of the moment trips to exotic locales with a person who doesn’t respect you would leave a lot to be desired.
Respect coupled with love makes for a good combination. And, a healthy dollop of romance and fun. That’s probably what I came away with after speaking to five or so couples all of whom have been happily married for forty plus years. It’s a combination of good. And because it’s good, these friends are a joy to be around because they are truly happy with their lives.
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